Mr. Manners – The Subway

This essay is the first installment of a new series, Mr. Manners. I wouldn’t consider myself at the hierarchy of etiquette, but goddamn, some people have no fucking manners (cursing not included).

As a result of being the victim of a recent theft, I am now riding the subway everyday, like most New Yorkers. After experiencing more than one annoyance, it’s time to lay down some ground rules for the commuting masses:

• If you see someone exiting the turnstiles, just wait. Just like doors, exiting has the right-of-way.
• This one really irks me cause so many people ignore it: step aside to let people off the train you fuckers.
• Don’t get all pissy when you missed the train by a second, there’s one a few minutes behind (unless you’re riding the G train).
• Don’t get pissed when someone holds the door for a friend, we all do it.
• It’s okay to feel good when you see someone just miss the closing doors, go ahead and smile at them as you ride away.
• If the train is packed and you are the first to enter, move to the middle of the train.
• Of course you should get up for the elderly, children, and babies. And if you want, hot women.
• If you do have a child, control that little fucker. We don’t think it’s cute if he plays with our hair or wants to see our i-Pod. Keep that booger-eater in his seat.
• If you have a big bag, don’t sling it over your shoulder and hit people around you. Carry it in front as you enter the train and keep it between your legs.
• If the train is crowded, no bags on the seat. We don’t care if you just hit Bergdorf Goodman and you don’t want it on the floor. Put it on your lap you fucking yuppie.
• No personal grooming on the train. We don’t want to hear or see your fucking fingernail clippings.
• Keep your goddamn feet off of the seat you Hilbilly.
• No fucking McD’s on the train, that shit smells like a fart.
• And no farting either, if you must beef, just walk between the trains and let it fly.
• When you get off the train don’t stand in the way of the turnstiles like an idiot. The same goes for the top of the stairs.
• If you see someone masturbating, take a photo of that perv and post it on Flickr. Then call The Post and live up your new-found fame.

FIVE5 [AUG 25 - 31]

Summer is coming to an end, so get out there and live it up! You can count on FIVE5 for your weekly guide to all the hip events in New York City:

1. FLAMING BOX OF STUFF

What: Flaming Box of Stuff presents a show about beer, anger, remorse, and unemployment in the 1970’s. A comedy perfect for the CU fan.

After appearing before packed houses at the Seattle, Portland, Chicago and New York SketchFests, Flaming Box is back with their newest creation, a show grounded in the blue-collar world of a 1970’s brewery. The ensemble will once again showcase their unique character- and plot-driven approach to sketch and their penchant for finding humor in all subjects no matter how dark or bizarre.

When: Thursday, August 25, 8PM

Where: UCB Theater

How Much: $8

2. HOWL! FESTIVAL

What: The week-long annual HOWL! Festival celebrates the neighborhood’s role as the cradle of counterculture. Our favorite events this year include: Way the F**k Off Broadway on Saturday 2PM, HOWL!’s signature performance art showcase hosted by one of our favorite acts, Uncle Jimmy’s Dirty Basement. On Sunday we’ll be chillin’ in Tompkins Square Park for the live jams of the Charlie Parker Jazz Festival at 3PM

When: August 27th and 28th

Where: Tompkins Square Park

How Much: FREE

3. BROOKLYN BANKS PARTY

What: We already told you about the good news on the Brooklyn Banks. This Saturday August 27th, we’ll be at the newly reopened Brooklyn Banks to celebrate the reconstruction. Spitfire is set to release a Brooklyn Banks benefit wheel and bring along some of it’s heavy riders to do justice on site. A major acknowledgement must be given to Steve Rodriguez and 5Boro Skateboardsfor his tireless efforts to keep the Brooklyn Banks on the map. FREE food and drinks .

Other companies offering their support include , Emerica, and Volcom. Plus the local skateshops KCDC and Autumn will also be there too.

When: Saturday, August 27th 1-5PM

Where: Manhattan side abutment, Madison St. and “Ave. of the Finest”

How Much: FREE

4. LA LAQUE

What: We first saw this group perform at our favorite downtown gentlemen’s club, and we were pleasantly surprised. Think 60′s French new wave soundtrack fronted by a sultry chanteuse, Devery.

When: Saturday, August 27th, 8PM

Where: Tonic

How Much: $8

5. GO CANOE

What: If the City heat and aromas are getting under your skin and you need to get out, then try the Delaware Water Gap for an overnight canoe trip. Only 2-hours out of the city, this trip is a hoot. Several CU members will be taking the 20-mile voyage down the river with beer-cooler in-tow.

When: Two-day overnight canoeing and camping

Where: Delaware Water Gap

How Much: $75

Mess With Texas

So, I was sitting at a restaurant in Dallas and heard this song and almost lost my dinner…

It is bad enough we had to spit out an imbecile president , but now we have an imbecile song to go along with the joke that has become the Lone Star State (all exclusions to Austin , of course!)

(This song makes me glad I cut up my Texas Drivers License last year…)

Chicks Rock in SA

As CU continues to open splinter cells throughout the country, one traveling man found himself braving the 100 degree heat of San Antonio and ended up last night at a bar you’d never take your mom to –

Drinking with friends, thinking we are here for a cover band, this cracker was blown off his chair by the hot-ness and the rockstar-ness of Spin 66 . Their alter ego, Jawbreaker, is the same crew but strictly a cover band and had a few killer Killers tunes, but their CD was the biggest surprise – shake up Letters to Cleo, Garbage, and Veruca Salt in a ziploc bag and out comes Spin 66 (a little teaser below)

Tease Me

It is no small secret we at CU have an ever swelling infatuation with uber-hot chicky chick lead singers that can really wail and I gotta tell you Heather Gasaway is the new queen of SA…

If you likey, let me know and I might be able to peel my fingers off the CD –

(Much love to the other queen of SA, Rachel, for her own hotness and rockstar-ness in finding these guys)

Glastonbury Festival 2005

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

This Friday, I will embark on my umpteenth trip to Japan. That’s right, I’ve been there several times, mostly because I’m a Half-Cracker: part white, part asian, or whasian. Growing up in Crackerland, I have more white tendencies, but I’m looking to change that and get in touch with my Japanese roots.

I know, I know…they have schoolgirls’ panties in vending machines and ridiculous inventions, but I’m looking past that…into the eyes of the ninja. Yep, I’ve always wanted to be a ninja and according to the Official Ninja Website:

Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don’t even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.

Pre-India shout

droogies

my first post….props to evil knghiavil for starting it up. i’m in kent now, had a great flight over. 3 empty seats on British Airways for my monkey meant spreading legs and watching the movies in style. now i’m resting up and readying myself for the trip to the motherland. i fly early sunday. no idea what to expect, but i tell you, oh my brothers, i’ve never packed so many respectable decent button- downs in my life. no brooklyn styles in india i spec. for paul i’ll look out for a light-skinned bride. beaker, theres not one woman in the whole of india i’d let you touch.

one other matter – i’m 85% sure i’m going to glastonbury. its in late june , tix go on sale around april 1. think coachella with the PG taken off. its by all accounts the best music festival in the world. combine with some hot nights out in east london and you have the makings of a long and thunderous orgasm. i’ll post more details when i can but it will have sold out long before the lineup is announced.

i’ll try and write from asia

teo