This is how we do it in Texas

If you’re from Texas and have a lawyer or an oiler in the family, you have most likely heard of Joe Jamail, the King of Torts, who is worth over $1 billion (the only lawyer on The List) having made his fortune as a plaintiffs’ lawyer in Texas, representing such cases and Pennzoil v. Texaco for encroaching on its contract to purchase Getty Oil (winning a verdict for Pennzoil in the amount of $10.53 billion, the largest jury verdict ever at that time, and a $1 billlion fee for the King). Jamail didn’t get to where he is now by being a softee. In Paramount Communications Inc. v. QVC Network Inc., Jamail represented one of the Paramount directors – During the course of the case, Jamail was defending a deposition when the following exchange took place:

Q. . . . Do you have any idea why Mr. Oresman was calling that material to your attention?
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MR. JAMAIL: Don’t answer that. How would he know what was going on in Mr. Oresman’s mind? Don’t answer it. Go on to your next question.
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MR. JOHNSTON: No, Joe –
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MR. JAMAIL: He’s not going to answer that. Certify it. I’m going to shut it down if you don’t go to your next question.
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MR. JOHNSTON: No. Joe, Joe –
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MR. JAMAIL: Don’t “Joe” me, asshole. You can ask some questions, but get off that. You could gag a maggot off a meat wagon. . . . .

I love Texas. This guy has the football field at UT Austin named after him, but I have to admit there are some interesting people that come out of there. This video is a perfect example – Jamail is conducting a deposition, questioning a witness that appears to be a former Monsanto research scientist. I also love fat old men ready to rumble…

“That ain’t your job, fat boy” = awesome.

STREET SOUNDS – The Perceptionists

We’re keepin’ it real to our ironic cracker identity: multicultural, transcontinental, now hittin’ the streets of New York homies. This marks the first of a series of reviews of hip-hop music. And when we say hip-hop, we don’t mean Kayne West. We’re talking about the lyricists emerging from the underground.

This week’s feature is the alt-rap group from Boston, The Perceptionists. After working together solo projects over past years, Akrobatik, Mr. Lif, and DJ Fakts have come together to form this powerful trio. Their debut album Black Dialogue, is a mix of political messages and thowdowns on the current hip-hop scene. The latter end of the album tends to slow with some love-themed songs, but lends itself for a good ending.

The Perceptionists only brag about how good they are if it hasn’t made them rich, which would mean they’ve gone hip-“pop”. One of their strongest songs, Black Dialogue, claims, “You see it everywhere you look, speech, music, fasion and style, It’s black dialogue. Go ahead kid, try it on, It’s much harder to master than precision with firearms. Corny niggaz switch it up and rent it to Viacom, but it was taught to me early on by my mom. Master yourself, for maximum outreach potential.”

The rebelliousness Memorial Day, a powerful track about the war in Iraq, questions Bush’s claims about weapons of mass destruction from the perspective of a U.S. soldier, “Where are the weapons of mass destruction? We’ve been looking for months and we ain’t found nothing. Please Mr. President won’t you tell us something. We knew from the beginning that your ass was bluffin’”

The Perceptionists open up for Lyrics Born this Saturday October 8th at the Bowery Ballroom. Normally a house of hipsters, we’re anxious to see what percentage of the crowd is actually black. Because, we crackers are so mixed race, we don’t romanticize black, white, or anything. For us, it’s about standing up and rebelling, giving moral clarity to today’s culture. As The Perceptionists put it “Yeah, it was written in the books of Europeans we were savage, that our history was insignificant and minds below average. But how can one diminish the work of the most imitated culture on this earth”.

The Perceptionists – Memorial Day (mp3)

The Perceptionists – The Razor (stream)

Mr. Manners – In Search of the Perfect Handshake

I’ve recently been meeting a lot of new people lately and when greeting, I’ve noticed some variations in handshakes. So this week, Mr. Manners will attempt the seemingly simple, but surprisingly challenging task of breaking down the perfect handshake.

The handshake in everyday life has kind of lost its true meaning. Such a salutation originated in the action of two people (facing each other) grasping hands to demonstrate that each does not possess concealed weapons and intend no harm.

Today there are various handshakes that exist in our complex culture, but I intend to take it down to one (ok, maybe two) that should be properly practiced. The best approach is to look at what handshakes not to do:

Dead Fish
You despise receiving it and you hate when it happens to you, but the dead fish is always out there. This is a limp-wristed, soft handshake that feels like you’re squeezing a dead fish. Give this and you’re basically saying, “I’m weak, I lack confidence, and I have no masculinity.”

Preemptive Squeeze
Unfortunately practiced between some women, this involves an early grasp before the web of the thumb meets. Basically, you are squeezing fingers with your partner in a “Oh I don’t really want to touch you” sort of way. Seen frequently at tea parties in England.

Preacher’s Cup
This one involves shaking the hand while the other is cupped gently over the grasped hands. It is typically done while the other person leans in too close to your face and speaks gentle words of wisdom, making for an uncomfortable situation.

Politician’s Pump
This one is firm on the grip and extra firm on the pumping action. It’s usually accompanied by a grab of your forearm with the shakers other hand and a vigorous one-two pump. It’s in every politician’s repertoire.

Small Dick Shake (aka The Protein Shake)
You can see this one coming. Practiced by insecure meatheads everywhere, they work long and hard in the gym to build those forearms, just to squeeze the shit out of your hand while intentionally rolling your knuckles. Physically superior, mentally challenged.

So now that we’ve covered what not to do, let’s talk about what to do. Most business etiquette experts agree that there is one proper handshake:

The Perfect Handshake
Should be practiced by everyone, man or woman. It consists of standing squarely while making eye contact and reaching the hand out to meet the web of the thumbs first. This is followed by a firm grip with a pronounced downward snap (no more than a few pumps), ending in a clean release.

This is common practice but with today’s hip culture, you don’t want to be limited to one boring salutation. If you want any street cred, you’ve got to have at least one variation:

Gimme Five (aka Daps, Grips, Soul Shakes)
From gangs to neighborhood differences, everyone seems to have their own hand jive. I say leave those dancing fingers and slaps to middle school kids. All you need to know is the standard 1-2-3 combo: raising the arm out a little ‘side arm’ and coming in to meet the web of the thumb; once that hits, it’s a quick and firm squeeze followed by releasing the hand but keeping the thumbs together; and swinging into the ‘arm wrestling’ grasp; finally, release the thumbs and slide the hand back with the fingers outstretched; when the fingertips meet, curl them so that the final release will cause your fingers to snap back onto your palm while moving your hand back to hold the final form. This should all be done in a single fluid motion and with style. Sure we’ve all done it, but how many times do you really get a good 1-2-3 snap?!

Injustice Index: Hurricane Katrina

Image courtesy The Drum Major Institute. See here for sources.

“I think I need to go potty!”

Let’s face it: It’s hard being President of the United States.

So many issues to concentrate on. So many lives influenced by the simplest stroke of your pen across a page. So many people to ask if you can go to the bathroom during a United Nations Security Council session.

Mr. Bush went on to scribble:

“I think Dick Cheney has cooties!”

Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney.

I’m glad somebody said it. On live TV, no less.

Osama and Katrina – New York Times

This is a must-read Tom Friedman article from the NY Times.

After being one of many Bush-apologists for ever-so-long (except — admittedly — for El Busho’s enivronmental and energy policy, or lackthereof), it’s really refreshing to see Friedman finally call W out, writ-large.

And — of course — The Daily Show can do it, too. Only this time, with much-needed laughs.