There’s Something in the Air…

For those of you not lucky enough to live in Queens, you’ve missed out on something over the past few weeks. A pungent smell of wastewater has hovered over the area. Only over the past few days have we had a reprieve. It’s kind of nasty that the collective “movements” of my neighborhood have produced this gas – straight from their colons to my nose. A good portion of the crackers as well as my roomie are involved in the business of environmental engineering. And while these poo-lovers may not mind taking their work home with them, I am less than thrilled.

I live in Astoria with the Bowery Bay wastewater plant mere blocks away. NYC DEP operates 14 wastewater plants citywide that treat an average of 1.3 billion gallons of wastewater every day. From the official website, Bowery Bay services 150 million gallons of wastewater daily and covers 850,000 people in northwest Queens. It’s also one of the 8 that has it’s own facilities for the dewatering of the sludge into biosolids that can be used for agriculture. Part of the sludge treatment involves using large boilers to heat the sludge for odor control. On Nov 29, sparks from welders involved in restoration/renovation of the 1930’s buildings set off a fire that damaged the precious poo-cookers. Now they’re waiting for the new boilers and parts to arrive so we can return to the happy times of hot feces. You can only enter the area with a full haz-mat suit and respirator, that’s some potent crap.

The Bowery Bay operators may have won the Sewage Olympics (I’m not kidding, I wish I were) but they haven’t been able to tame this stink. With incomplete heating, the stink only gets worse rather than better. Then a month ago, they decided to move the sludge away from the general public. Great idea, but better to have left it alone because the move stirred up an unholy odor and released the current bouquet we’re now facing.

Both the Post and the Daily News ran recent articles with quotes from the DEP about the months involved to order parts, do repairs, and fight with the contractor who defaulted on those repairs. They should make the contractors try to exercise in the neighborhood which I made the mistake of doing recently. City councilman Peter Vallone is on the case and got them to promise that the smell will be gone within 2 weeks. They seem to be right. I went over to the plant recently to check it out and there was no stench. In fact the whole area smelled sort of like grape bubbleyum. One of my engineer insiders says that is likely the masking agent used to cover the smell. Grape turds = yummy. The best line from the NY Post article has to be the quote, “It smells like 20 dogs took a dump in my yard.”

As I was looking around on the internet for information about the stink, I found that I was not the only one wondering why my backyard smelled like the inside of a Port-a-potty. Both Joey in Astoria and Astorians.com ran pieces about the stink. It is a true unifier and equalizer. Too bad it’s gone, though. I was hoping it would keep all you damn Manhattanites out of the Beer Garden.

Best Invention Ever

Always in favor of exciting science and giving credit where credit is due, I was thrilled to see that the inventor of Neuticles won the prestigious Ig Nobel Prize for Medicine. Many of you know and love neuticles as much as I do but for those of you unfamiliar, from the official neuticle website, neuticles are a “revolutionary testicular implant procedure for pets… allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem, and aids in the trauma associated with neutering.” Basically, silicone testicles surgically implanted after neutering. Since I recently had my puppy neutered, I was faced with the classic decision: To neuticle, or not to neuticle?

People really pretend that they do it for the dog as opposed to feeding their own hang-ups of needing to see their dogs hairy danglers. I guess unless the Rottweiler sitting in your Iroc has a huge sack, you’re less of a man. These aren’t just for dogs though. You can get neuticles for cats, horses, bulls or any other type of pet. Is it unethical to put the 5 inchers into a Chihuahua?

Neuticles are available in 3 models of varying firmness because we all know how important testicular firmness is to our pets and I hate when I’m feeling a dogs balls and they’re too soft or too hard. Thousands of people are paying from $73 to $329 for a pair of these. However, since my dog only had one ball drop, I figure one should do for him. He’d be just as confused to gain a nut as lose one after waking up. As for my decision on neuticles, though, Gilly’s deflated sack speaks for itself.

The Neuticle gift shop has t-shirts, keychains and necklaces of actual neuticles, bathrobes, and the book by the inventor, “Going, going…Nuts.” Just about everything on their website is funnier than anything that I could say. Some highlights:

With Neuticles – It’s like nothing ever changed! (The official slogan)

“Frodo never knew he lost anything and is just a happier little dog since he’s been neutered with Neuticles.”
Janell Suasser
San Lorenzo, CA

“A dog is like a kid- consideration for his feelings.”
Greg Samual
Fresno, CA

“Just call me a caring pet owner.”
Trish Fischer
Anchorage, Alaska

Cheap Date

So it seems that the good doctors up at Harvard are performing some truly groundbreaking research. They’re studying kudzu, that infernal weed that seems determined to devour the South (not that anyone would miss it). More specifically, they’re examining its effects on people who consume alcohol. As CU’s medical advisor, I’m glad people are finally hearing our cries for more alcohol related research.

Apparently, taking kudzu causes people to imbibe less, which researchers theorize is related to the kudzu increasing the effects of the alcohol on the body. So you get drunker with less beer. Maybe I should be adding kudzu to my beer instead of gin.

That’s all very interesting but I find the actual research methods much more fun than the results, published in Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research. They would put 20-somethings in a fake apartment in their lab equipped with a TV, a recliner, and a fridge full of beer. Then they sat around and recorded how much beer the subjects drank even down to sip-by-sip measurements.

From the paper:
“Participants were permitted to watch TV or movies
or listen to music, but they were not permitted to do
their homework or other work. Free access to beverages
began at 5:00 PM (only one beverage at a time), and they
were permitted to drink the beers as fast or as slow as
they desired during the 1.5-hr drinking session.”

How can I get in on this? You get paid to drink beer and watch TV? When I used to work in a sleep lab (as a lab tech, not as a subject) at that very same venerable institution there was no TV and definitely no beer, just rectal temperature probes, white walls, time isolation, and near insanity of the subjects. I’m in the wrong field.

So don’t be surprised if you see Justin out gnawing on some ivy.

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

I know this is all over the internet but just in case someone missed it:

This is just Reason # 497 why being a professional athlete is the coolest thing ever. In addition to the hoochies in the hotel lobby, you can make up porn aliases and actually use them. Also, it seems that the rumors that you’re nothing in pop-culture until you get herpes, are true.

The posterchild for the new NFL, Michael Vick, is being sued for giving herpes to some groupie. Nothing earth-shattering there. The kicker is that the lawsuit mentions his use of the name “Ron Mexico” to get his herpes treatment. Where the hell did he come up with that? Did he think of it after he had herpes because it sounded like a guy who might have herpes or was it the name he always used in his secret underground porn life? And didn’t this woman who’s a “health care worker”, think that it might be wise to secondguess screwing an NFL star.

Apparently, the customized Falcons #7 jersey, with Mexico on the back has already been shut down by the NFL. Too bad.

Teeth in my ovary?

Providing what few skills I have to CU, I am here to provide useless medical information. A recent expedition conversation brought up tumors with hair and teeth. Benign cystic teratomas or dermoid cysts are germ cell tumors that are malignant in only 1% of cases. Really they are just a problem of cells not going to the right place during embryonic development. Most often they are found in the ovaries but have are also seen in the brain, chest, face, lower back, and other areas. Because they contain all types of embryonic tissue, they can have skin, sweat glands, fat, hair, central nervous system tissues, cartilage, bone, teeth, and intestinal glands. Struma ovarii, one variant, has fully functioning thyroid tissue. I’ve seem them cut open. Trust me, it’s freakin’ nasty.